2006 Hummer H3 (Red)
Item Purchased: 2006 Hummer H3 (Red)
Location Purchased: Woodfield Hummer / 1230 Golf Rd. / Schaumburg, IL
Price: $34,070 + tax ($5,000 down)
Review: I was going to just get my bike fixed after I filed my taxes this year. (Don’t forget to file your taxes, all you procrastinators!) After I found my return to be larger than I expected, I decided to forget about the bike and just get a Hummer.
Don’t worry, I didn’t go all out and get one of those H1s or H2s. Who needs a full-size all-terrain military vehicle for their daily trip to work or the grocery store? No, I opted for the H3 so that I can pretend I am on a special-ops covert military mission. At nearly 3/4 the size of a H1, my new Hummer will be able to sneak through all of the quiet suburbs of Chicago without being noticed (I will simply trail one of the other H1 or H2s in the area to get where I am going). On those hot summer days, I will roll open all seven windows and the sunroof and blast my CD/MP3 player while I am stuck on Lake Shore Dr. Do I even have to mention the gas that those H1 and H2 drivers waste?
That’s right! No more taking the side roads like I had to do with my bicycle, weaving in and out of psychotic cabbies and SUV drivers on their cell phones! Now any asshole SUV driver better watch out when they see me coming. Considering my tires are bigger than the engine in their puny van-wannabe, I will have all of the inconsiderate drivers in the City cowering in fear!* As for my bike, there is enough room in the back of my new Hummer to prop it up on wood blocks and turn it into an exercise bike. Now, when I am stuck in traffic or waiting in line at the bank drive thru, I can simply throw the H3 into idle and hop in the middle or back section and get some cardio taken care of!
Dropping $5,000 for a down payment may seem absurd for someone as frugal as myself to do, but I see it as an investment in my future. Sure I may have to pay $682.71 every thirty days for the next fourty-eight months, but think of the future time spent waiting for the bus or train late at night! If my time isn’t worth $682.71/mo. I don’t know what is!
Of course, I will probably have to take out a loan in a year or so to keep up with the payments and pay for the parking spot I will have to rent for my new Hummer. At least I can get a cheaper parking space on the street. The nice man with shiny teeth at the car dealership guaranteed me that the new line of H3s are built so that they are taller than 99% of the car theives in Chicago. It turns out that too many of the H1 and H2 models were getting broken into for their state of the art XM CD/MP3 radios (did I mention that cruising to my tunes is going to be F’in’ sweet!?). Several Hummer owners complained and the Hummer organization responded. That’s why I love Hummer… they really care about their customers.
As for the gas prices, I will simply have to apply for another credit card or call my parents for another loan. I’m sure they will have no problem helping me out if I agree to drive them to the corner store on holidays. Pollution? Global Warming? Hey, don’t look at me! Talk to the people over at this message board. They’re the ones causing all the problems! Not me! I have a bicycle in the back of my Hummer! Remember that!
If anyone needs a ride, let me know and we will negotiate a price. It’s worth it. This thing is friggin’ sweet!
*Note to bikers: As my vehicle is so large, please stay at least twenty yards away from my Hummer when biking on Chicago roads. If you don’t I probably won’t see you and won’t be responsible for any harm that comes to you.
Rating: 4.75 / 5
Leave a Comment